$29
The Idiot Assessment
A human reads your profile, photos and conversations, then hands you your official Idiot Score™ and a written diagnosis.
⚠ Dating coaching for men
You’re an idiot.
Dating coaching for idiots who don’t know they’re idiots.
Think you’re a great catch? That’s adorable. Let’s find out.
Assess my idiocyFree. Takes 90 seconds. Lying only makes it worse.
Kyle, 343 miles away · Confused about why this isn’t working
- Sunglasses
- Fish
- Bathroom mirror
- Which one is he?
- Another fish
- His face: not pictured
- Bio
- Just ask.
- Opening message
- Hey
Idiot
As screenshotted in
- Her group chat
- Her sister’s group chat
- A Reddit thread he doesn’t know about
- His mom’s Facebook
“Dating apps don’t work anymore.”
The problem isn’t the apps. It’s you.
But here’s the thing: you’re probably a perfectly decent guy. You just have absolutely no idea what you’re doing. Men aren’t hopeless. They’re undertrained.
So we’re going to make fun of you. Then we’re going to help you. Roasting, empathy, and advice that actually works, with the research to back it up.
Our most common diagnosis
“He just needs a better personality.”
Good news: a personality isn’t something you’re stuck with. It’s mostly habits. Being curious. Asking a follow-up question. Having a hobby that doesn’t come with a remote. Habits can be learned.
The Field Research Department Wear the diagnosis
Who this is for
The lovable idiot
Welcome, if you…
- Genuinely want to date someone
- Can’t figure out why the matches dried up
- Have a bio that says “Just ask.”
- Think “I’m a nice guy” counts as a personality
- Can’t keep a conversation alive past “lol”
- Interview your matches like a census taker
Most of our clients are 25 to 45, decent, and completely unaware.
Not for a**holes.
Looking for tricks to manipulate women into sleeping with you?
Congratulations, sir. You’ve graduated from idiot to a**hole.
We teach social skills, not pickup-artist garbage. No scripts, no “techniques,” no negging. Just how to be someone people actually want to talk to.
Please leaveThe Floor · no jokes in this box
Two out of three.
Two out of three women under 50 who date online have been sent explicit images they didn’t ask for, kept being messaged after saying no, been called names, or been threatened. That’s why she’s guarded before she’s even met you. Most men don’t do these things. She just can’t tell which ones do. So here’s the minimum.
“No” ends the conversation.
Being messaged again after saying no is one of the most common things women report: 43% of US women under 50 on apps, and 47% of Australian app users.
Take rejection like a grown-up.
Nearly half of people who turned someone down online got an aggressive reply. The whole script is: “Thanks for letting me know. Good luck.”
Her precautions aren’t insults.
Meeting somewhere public, a friend who knows where she is, a video call first. A good date says “of course” and makes it easy.
Don’t send the picture.
Half of women who got one felt grossed out, and almost as many felt disrespected. In England and Wales it can mean up to two years in prison. In California she can sue.
Check in. Don’t assume.
Men tend to overestimate a woman’s interest, especially men who rate themselves as attractive. Your read of the room is the least reliable thing in it.
And guys: mind your wallet.
63% of men under 50 who use dating apps think they’ve run into a scammer. Never send money to someone you haven’t met.
Sources: Pew Research Center 2023 (harassment) · Australian Institute of Criminology 2022 · Czechowski et al. 2026 · Marcotte et al. 2021 · Perilloux, Easton & Buss 2012 · UK Online Safety Act 2023 · California SB 53 · Pew Research Center 2023 (scams)
Free · 7 questions + a bonus round · no take-backs
The Idiot Assessment
Answer honestly. We’ll know if you don’t. (We won’t. But your matches will.)
Question 1 of 7
Want the real thing? The full Idiot Assessment is an actual human reading your actual profile, photos and conversations.
The scale
Where are you on the idiot scale?
- Level 1Slightly IdioticYou’re salvageable.
- Level 2Moderately IdioticConcerning.
- Level 3Advanced IdiotSeveral interventions required.
- Level 4Professional IdiotYou have somehow made dating harder than it needs to be.
- Level 5 ☠Catastrophic IdiotYour dating profile has been referred to the authorities.
🏆 Certified Not An Idiot. Where every client ends up. Comes with a ridiculous certificate.
The method
Stop being an idiot™
Nine letters. Our entire philosophy, small enough for a fridge magnet (sold separately). The “an idiot” part is self-explanatory.
- S
Show some personality
Your profile should tell someone who you actually are.
- T
Take decent photos
No blurry selfies from 2017. Someone else takes it, and she can see your face.
- O
Open with something interesting
“Hey” is not an opening line. It’s a hostage negotiation.
- P
Pay attention
Actually read her profile. All of it. With your eyes.
- B
Be conversational
Dating isn’t a job interview. Ask a follow-up, then share something back.
- E
Express interest
Flirting is allowed. So is “I had a great time, I’d like to see you again.”
- I
Improve your social skills
Banter, tease kindly, ask real questions, tell actual stories. It’s a skill. Skills improve.
- N
Notice the signals
One-word answers for three days? The ship has sailed. Wave it off.
- G
Give a sh*t
Meet an actual person. Stop optimizing your conversion funnel like you’re selling software.
Stop trying to “get women.”
You’re trying to meet people and find out if you’re compatible. That’s healthier, and, hilariously, it works better.
Exhibit B · Texting Intervention
Watch a conversation die in real time
She gave him a topic. He gave her nothing back. In speed-dating research, people who asked follow-up questions got more second-date yeses. This is what that looks like on your phone.
I love hiking!
Cool. I hike too.
Killed it
Diagnosis: You have successfully killed the conversation. She has nothing to answer.
I love hiking!
Okay, important question: are you a summit person or a snacks-at-the-halfway-point person? Because I’ve been known to call it at the snacks.
Better: Same guy, same hike. Now she has something to respond to.
Field reports from former idiots
They were idiots. Look at them now.
★★★★★
“I used to lead with a fish. Now I lead with my face. Three second dates this month, and the fish is doing fine.”
★★★★★
“They told me ‘hey’ wasn’t an opening line. I was furious for a full day. Then I asked her about her lasagna and she replied in four minutes.”
★★★★☆
“Case File #0063 is about me. I know because I asked them 41 questions about it.”
Testimonials are fictional, like the rest of us.