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Case file #0047
The Hibernating Man
Reported interests
- Napping
- Sitting
- Remaining indoors
- Apparently, waiting for death
Dating profile
“I like to relax and take naps.”
Field report
Asked what he likes doing for fun. Subject replied: “I sleep.”
Diagnosis
Level 3: Advanced Idiot
The problem isn’t liking naps. Naps are excellent. Civilization has produced few achievements better than a well-timed afternoon nap.
The problem is that if your whole life happens on the couch, you’ve removed every chance for someone to discover you’re interesting. Sir, you are supposed to be marketing yourself.
Before“I mostly stay home and nap.”
After“I’m definitely more of a homebody. I love cooking, getting way too invested in movies, and I’m excellent at turning a Sunday afternoon into a four-hour nap.”
The lesson: You don’t need to be exciting. You need to be interested. You don’t have to invent a personality. You have to communicate the one you already have.
Buddy, you may not need dating coaching. You may need a hobby.
Prescription:
1 hobby
Case file #0051
The Fisherman
Photos submitted
- Fish
- Fish (different angle)
- Fish with a friend (friend also holding fish)
- Sunset (fish implied)
Dating profile
“Just a simple guy who loves the outdoors.”
Field report
In one Montana town, a reporter found fish in 43 out of 100 men’s profiles. Our field researcher can no longer tell the men apart. She can tell the fish apart.
Diagnosis
Level 2: Moderately Idiotic
Fish photos aren’t a crime. One fish is a hobby. Four fish is a personality, and the personality is “fish.”
The real problem is sameness. When every guy is holding a trout, she learns nothing about you except that you were once near a lake. And no, the famous “92% of women hate fish pics” stat isn’t real. It came from an April Fools’ press release. Even the anti-fish stat is a fish story.
BeforePhoto 1: me + fish. Photo 2: me + bigger fish. Photo 3: fish, alone, thinking.
AfterPhoto 1: your face, smiling, taken by a friend. Photo 4: one fish, with a caption: “Caught him, named him Gerald, let him go. We still text.”
The lesson: Lead with your face. Keep one fish and give it a story. A photo that starts a conversation beats a photo that ends one.
Catch and release, sir. Mostly release.
Limit:
1 fish
Case file #0058
The Essayist
The numbers
- Opening message
- 612 words
- Mentions of her eyes
- 9
- Questions asked
- 0
Topics covered
- Her eyes
- Her eyes, again
- His five-year plan
- A poem (original)
Field report
She replied “haha thanks.” He replied with a second essay, about the first essay.
Diagnosis
Level 2: Moderately Idiotic
Effort is good. This is effort pointed at the wrong target.
In a big study of real dating messages, longer first messages didn’t get men more replies, and gushing ones did slightly worse. Words like “gorgeous” and “beautiful” have been linked to fewer replies since at least 2009. She can’t answer an essay. She can answer a question.
Before“Your eyes are like two oceans and I have been lost at sea since I first saw them. Let me tell you about myself…” (612 words)
After“Okay, your prompt says you make the best lasagna in the city. Bold claim. What’s the secret, or is it classified?”
The lesson: Short, specific, and about her. Around 200 characters, one question, zero oceans.
Save it for the wedding speech. If you get there.
Too long;
didn’t read
Case file #0063
The Interviewer
The numbers
- Questions asked on first date
- 41
- Things he shared about himself
- 0
- Follow-up questions
- 0
Sample questions
- Where do you see yourself in five years?
- What’s your greatest weakness?
- Why should I pick you over the other candidates?
Field report
She left feeling like she’d applied for a job she didn’t want. She did not get a callback. Neither did he.
Diagnosis
Level 2: Moderately Idiotic
Asking questions is good. In real speed-dating research, people who asked more follow-up questions got more second-date yeses.
But the same researchers warn it backfires when you ask and ask and never share anything back. A conversation is a game of catch. You’re running a deposition.
Before“Next question. Where do you see yourself in five years?”
After“Wait, you climbed it in sandals? Okay, I once got lost on a ‘beginner’ trail for six hours, so I respect this. But… sandals?”
The lesson: Ask, then add. Follow up on her answer, then give a bit of you. A rally, not a quiz show.
Thank you for your time. We’ll be in touch.
Application
denied
Case file #0066
The Pen Pal
The numbers
- Days messaging
- 41
- Words exchanged
- 3,000+
- Dates scheduled
- 0
Main topic
“So what’s your favourite cereal?” (Week four.)
Field report
He knows her favourite cereal, her childhood dog and her blood type. He has never seen her in person. She’s now dating a man who asked her out on day three.
Diagnosis
Level 3: Advanced Idiot
Some chatting before a date helps. A lot of chatting makes the first meeting worse.
Researchers found that after too much messaging, people build a fantasy version of each other that the real person can’t live up to. You’re not building a connection. You’re writing fan fiction.
Before“haha yeah. so what’s your favourite cereal”
After“I’m really enjoying this. Want to keep it going over coffee on Thursday? There’s a good spot by the park.”
The lesson: Once there’s real back-and-forth, ask her out. Days, not weeks. Keep it casual and public; most singles prefer it that way.
This is a dating app, not a correspondence course.
Return to
sender
Case file #0072
The Terms & Conditions
Dating profile, in full
“No drama. No games. No liars. Don’t waste my time. If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best. Swipe left if you’re fake.”
Things he enjoys
(Not listed.)
Field report
She read it twice looking for one thing he likes. She found a list of things he’s against. She swiped left, as instructed.
Diagnosis
Level 3: Advanced Idiot
In a 2024 survey of 1,000 dating-app users, negativity and bitterness was the number-one profile turn-off. It put off 70% of them.
A list of rules tells her two things: you’ve been hurt, and you’re planning to make it her problem. “No drama” is, ironically, the drama.
Before“No drama. Don’t waste my time.”
After“Happiest at the Saturday farmers’ market, overbuying peaches. Looking for someone to help me eat them before they go soft.”
The lesson: Tell her what you’re for, not what you’re against. Every rule you list is a red flag you wrote yourself.
By reading this profile, she agreed to nothing.
Terms
rejected
Case file #0079
The Height Rounder
The numbers
- Height on profile
- 6′0″
- Height on tape measure
- 5′10″
- Height standing on curb, photo 3
- 6′1″
Field report
She noticed at hello. He spent the rest of the date standing very straight and slightly uphill.
Diagnosis
Level 2: Moderately Idiotic
Men really do round up, usually by an inch or two, and mostly as they get close to six feet. In a study that measured daters against their own profiles, the average height lie was about 1%.
Meanwhile, a 2024 study found height matters far less than how good your photos are. You’re risking the whole date for one inch she’ll spot in the first four seconds.
After“5′10″. Excellent at reaching medium-height shelves.”
The lesson: The truth costs you one swipe. The lie costs you the date. Fix your lighting, not your height.
The tape measure has entered the chat.
Rounded
down
Case file #0084
The Right Thumb
The numbers
- Profiles swiped right
- All of them
- Matches messaged
- Almost none
- Average message
- “hey whats up” (12 characters)
Strategy, in his words
“Keeping my options open.”
Field report
His options are open. They are also unanswered.
Diagnosis
Level 4: Professional Idiot
In a London study using test profiles, only 7% of men who got a match ever sent a message, and men’s messages averaged 12 characters.
When men swipe right on everyone, a like stops meaning anything, women get pickier, and men swipe even more. You’re not playing the odds. You’re the reason the odds are bad.
BeforeSwipe right ×400. Match ×6. Message ×0.
AfterSwipe right ×20, only on people you’d actually talk to. Message every match the same day, about something in her profile.
The lesson: Fewer swipes, more messages. A match you never message is just a notification.
Sir, this is a dating app, not a lottery.
Marked
as spam
Case file #0088
The Ex Files
The numbers
- Length of first date
- 90 min
- Minutes spent on his ex
- 55
- Times he said “Brittany”
- 23
Field report
By dessert, our field researcher knew Brittany’s birthday, her new boyfriend’s job and the full story of the couch. She would like to meet Brittany. She would not like to see him again.
Diagnosis
Level 3: Advanced Idiot
A first date is the trailer for you, and you spent it reviewing someone else’s movie.
Talking about your ex tells her you’re not over it. It also gives her a preview of how you’ll talk about her one day.
Before“So anyway, that’s when Brittany took the couch.”
After“Long story. Good one for date five. Tell me about you: how did you end up in this city?”
The lesson: If she asks, give it one kind sentence and change the subject. Your past is allowed. Your past is not invited to dinner.
Brittany is not coming back. Neither is she.
Case
closed
Case file #0090
The Sore Loser
Dating profile
“Just a nice guy looking for a nice girl.”
Her message
“You seem really nice, but I’m not feeling a spark. Good luck out there!”
His reply
“Wow. Your loss. You weren’t that hot anyway.”
Diagnosis
Level 5: Catastrophic Idiot
We’ll say this one plainly. In a 2026 Canadian study, nearly half of students who turned someone down online got an aggressive reply, and 93% of the senders whose gender could be identified were men.
This is why so many women ghost instead of being honest: honesty keeps getting punished. “Nice” is how you act after she says no.
Before“Wow. Your loss. You weren’t that hot anyway.”
After“Thanks for letting me know. Good luck to you too.”
The lesson: That’s the whole script. Ten words, no follow-up, no “but can I ask why.” Every guy who sends it makes it safer for the next woman to be honest.
Congratulations, sir. You’ve graduated from idiot to a**hole.
Wrong
department
