Services
From a quick diagnosis to a full rebuild. Every plan includes honesty you didn’t ask for.
How it works
Take the free assessment, or book the full Idiot Assessment and a human reads your actual profile and conversations.
We fix what’s broken: photos, bio, openers, conversation, dates. You learn why, so you’re not copying lines like a chatbot.
Get your ridiculous certificate. Go on real dates. Never open with “hey” again.
Pricing
$29
Send us your profile, photos, bio, 5–10 recent conversations and a questionnaire. Get your official Idiot Score™ and a written diagnosis.
“You’re not undateable. You’re just presenting yourself like a man being held hostage.”
Book this$59
Send screenshots. We show you what you did wrong, what you could have done, and why. We teach you to think, not to copy-paste our lines like a malfunctioning chatbot.
Book this$19/mo
The “What the hell do I say?” hotline. Send us the situation and get help before you make it worse.
Subscribe$80/hr
Confidence, flirting, reading social cues, first dates, rejection, how to actually listen, and how to talk about yourself without giving a TED Talk.
Book a sessionMost idiots pick this
$299
Assessment, Profile Surgery, a Texting Intervention and two 1-on-1 sessions. We take you apart and put you back together, better.
Book the makeover$35/seat
Learn alongside other idiots. Strength in numbers. Shame in numbers, too.
Save a seatProfile Surgery
Photos decide the swipe; words decide the date. On Hinge, likes on written prompts were 47% more likely to lead to a date than likes on photos (Hinge 2025).
Texting Interventions
Four real-ish situations. The idiot version, the better version, and why.
Idiot
Hey beautiful 😍
Better
Your prompt says you’ve been to every ballpark in the country. Which one has the worst hot dog? I need to know what to avoid.
Looks compliments have been linked to fewer replies. A question about her profile gives her something to answer. OkCupid 2009
Idiot
?
hello??
wow ok
Better
No pressure, but I still need your official verdict on the worst ballpark hot dog.
In Hinge’s data, one follow-up got a reply about a third of the time. A pile-on gets you blocked. Send one, then let it go. Hinge 2017
Idiot
3 days of silence
[sends meme]
Better
Had a really good time last night. Would love to see you again if you’re up for it.
75% of daters expect to hear from you by the next day. Nearly half hold back so they don’t seem too keen. Be the one who doesn’t. Hinge 2025
Idiot
You seem nice, but I’m not feeling it. Good luck!
Wow ok. Your loss.
Better
You seem nice, but I’m not feeling it. Good luck!
Thanks for letting me know. Good luck out there.
No joke here: this is why she can be honest with the next guy instead of ghosting. See Case File #0090. Czechowski et al. 2026
Idiot Emergency Services · $19/mo
She said she likes horror movies. What do I say?Routine
Ask which one actually scared her. Then confess the one that scared you. Congratulations: that’s banter.
She hasn’t responded in two days.Breathe
Send one light, specific nudge. Then let it go. Do not send “?”.
She said ‘haha’.Analyzing
She found it mildly funny. That’s all it means. Write back like a person.
She asked what I’m looking for.Be honest
Tell her. Most women assume men only want flings, and most men don’t. If that’s you, say so.
We’ve been texting for a month.Urgent
Ask her out. Today. Coffee. Go.
Who pays on the first date?Routine
Offer. Then go with whatever she says. You’re both rehearsing different scripts.
She wants to meet somewhere public and video-call first.Say yes
That’s a precaution, not an insult. A good date says “of course” and makes it easy.
She said she’s not interested.Easy one
Thank her. Wish her well. That’s the whole call.
A match asked me to invest in crypto.Scam alert
Unmatch. Report. Mind your wallet.
I accidentally sent her a picture of my… um.Wrong department
Apologize once, sincerely, and stop. If it wasn’t an accident, read The Floor.
FAQ
No. We roast the habit, then fix it. Every joke on this site comes with a real fix, and most of them come with a real study.
No. Pickup tactics like negging mostly work on women who share sexist views, and most women don’t respond to them at all. We teach conversation, which works on humans. Here’s the evidence.
Nobody can tell you what “women” want. We show you what one actual woman sees when you do the thing you keep doing. It’s more useful.
No. UK dating sites have roughly two men for every woman. Run clubs, classes, friends of friends and in-person events all count. Go where the odds are.
If loneliness, anxiety or low mood is running your life, please talk to a doctor or a therapist. That isn’t a dating-coach job, and there’s no shame in it. Men are less likely than women to get treatment. Be the exception.
Then you get a second certificate. It says “Tried.”
Extremely. You’re an Idiot is a fictional business, so we don’t collect anything at all.
